Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Glenny Densem-Moir of Art and Soul Retreats ( www.artandsoulretreat.com ) and I have frequently been asked if there were a way to make a charitable donation in LeeAnne's name. Today,I would like to announce that we are in the process of setting up a tax-exempt nonprofit scholarship fund in her memory. One purpose of the fund, amongst others, would be to offer the experience of attending an Art & Soul retreat to those who are unable to afford it (e.g. students). For those wishing to donate to the fund, checks can be made out to "The LeeAnne Wallace Memorial Art & Soul Scholarship Fund") and mailed to our home at the following address:
209 Sherry Court
San Jose, CA 95119
An alternate way of making a charitable contribution to the fund would be as follows (as previously posted, but with a new twist):
For Lee, creating art was her soul work. Her passion. Her meditation. Her art was inherently linked to her connection to the endless seasons and cycles of life and to her eclectic spirituality. She would continually encourage our children, other young people who hung out in our garage/studio (and all others for that matter) to follow their life's passion, whatever that may be. To that end, it would also honor her greatly for anyone to do just that: Create a work of art of any type and donate it to the fund. It would later be auctioned off at one of the Art & Soul retreats and the proceeds donated to the scholarship fund.
More details will be forthcoming as the fund criteria is finalized. Glenny, myself and others, had the opportunity to discuss this with Lee before she died. Her soul was touched deeply by these plans and she was so thrilled. She will be guiding us throughout the process.
I can also be reached via email ( firstname.lastname@example.org) or cell phone (408 202 0504).
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Here is our wish for this holiday season: May you find, by whatever means, lasting inner peace...and may you pass the wisdom and creative energy engendered by this peace to your loved ones and to all those who's lives you touch... and by reaching a critical mass of peaceful human beings, may we truly achieve peace on earth.
Ok, so having finally semi-organized digital representations of Lee's work over the past several years, I offer up than initial selection.
Her "turtle baret, " created for her first Art & Soul in 2006, reads "coming out of my shell" and her work really took off after that...I bathed in the passion and magic of it.
Then her last set of canvases, started during a class at Asilomar in April of this year, and continuing through early October.
I thank all of you for all of your kindness, love, spirit and for just being in our lives...
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Lee had talked often and passionately about holding a life celebration in lieu of a traditional memorial service and Asilomar held a special place in her heart and soul. She loved the ocean, the beach and particularly the Monterey Bay area. Having first visited Asilomar during an Art and Soul Workshop several years ago, she would be drawn back to the omnipresent creative, spiritual and mystical energies of these grounds. Early on in the course of her illness, we would return several times for overnight stays at one of the numerous Bed and Breakfasts which border the conference center. During one of these visits, she was able to walk on the beach, gather seashells and bask in the sun buffered by cool ocean breezes. Later that day she would write in her journal:
"...Asilomar Beach, September 2nd
Gosh, the beach was beautiful. It was warm & the sun was shining and I got to walk barefoot in the sand. one of my favorite places in the world- Asilomar. Alwas feels like I've lived here before- like this place is mine and other people come to visit. I loved it so much, I think I walked for about a half mile. My body cooperated as long as it could before I had to turn around and come back to reality. I didn't want to leave, But I couldn't stay. time to move on..."
During the last few months of her life, Lee spoke often of her desire to return to this place of refuge, hopefully for the May, 2009 A&S retreat. Lee never made it back, but it seems altogether fitting to hold her Celebration there.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
During this past week, while exploring LeeAnne's writings and journals, I came upon this email, saved as a draft and dated 11/14/08. I recall her struggling with composing it and how long it took to get the words just right. It was to be the last email she composed, and these words were intended for all of you.
My dearest friends,
Sometimes we pop our heads up long enough to to watch the sunset slowly trickle across the strips of our backs only to return to the ebb and flow that seem to be the the contrasting of our days . Other days, we are propelled into someone else's reality that makes us realize that no man is an island unto itself. For you see, the bell does not toll just for me.
Rather it tolls for you and me.
Thank you. Look for blog by early next week.
I Love all of you.
(Wow! Her reference to the wondrous and mystical interconnectivity of all things was a common topic of our conversations, usually in the wee hours of the morning, sharing coffee or tea and sitting in Lee's garage-turned-art-studio).
I have posted some slide shows from the past 4 months, and will set up some links to others. Lee's 45th birthday party's theme was "Marilyn Monroe." You see, Lee was adopted and often joked about her fantasy that Marilyn was her birth mother (hence, all the MM look-alikes in the party photos).
I am continually grateful to all of you for your loving emails, blogs, notes, calls, prayers and thoughts.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
As Forrest Gump would have said: "...and just like that, she was gone" and " that's all I have to say about that." (for now)
There will be ongoing postings from me about Lee's journey and plans for life celebrations, etc., but for now, I would like to thank all of you who knew Lee and were part of her life for what you did for her. Thank all of you for your cards, emails, text messages, prayers and other gifts of support. Thank you, thank you, thank you. May you have everlasting peace and happiness.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
We spent the weekend at a gorgeous home right on the lake (north shore area, for those of you who are familiar with Tahoe) with perfect weather for late October: 70's and no wind. The lake was crystal clear and the reflections of the moon spectacular. It was just our immediate family (Lee and I, Porter and Laurel - JoAnna didn't come because she came up from San Diego to visit us the following week for Laurel's Birthday) and Leslie's (herself, husband Doug and daughter, Kiely)....The weekend included great family meals, sitting watching the lake, and of course art work. Lee led a session with Kiely, Laurel and Leslie doing artist trading cards...Kiely picked up on this amazingly well (she is 11) turning out more than a dozen cards in an afternoon. Of course, we had the obligate trip to the closest (and only local) scrapbook store in Truckee , about 15 mi away for supplies.
Unfortunately, the trip did take a physical toll on Lee (the altitude is mostly > 6000 feet) and she continued to get weaker (but still working in her beloved garage/art studio) until a few weeks ago. During a wonderful visit from Uncle Gene from Minnesota(her deceased mom's brother) she was able to take care of many things she wanted to in terms of reaffirming a loving connection to that side of her family, and made sure that her uncle took back with him any family items or pictures he desired. Afterwards, her illness took over with more of a downhill course and she has been on hospice care at home for the past few weeks. I, and many others, have lost Lee (for now) as a companion, but have accepted her as that earthly being who is now in our care as agents tasked to provide comfort and peace for her as she makes this final transition on her journey.
I'll keep posting to the blog and look for collections of photos from the past few months.
My blessings and wishes for peace and happiness to you all.
We have news from the Front Lines of the Castor and Pollox fight!
However, before we bore you with all of the technical medical junk, I thought you might like to hear about some of the gifts that have been swirling around our home in the last few months. So, grab a cup a coffee, your favorite treat, curl up in a blanket in front of the fire and let me share, because this could very well be a long email. And don’t worry. After this email, I think it’s time to start a blog, but I’m going to set Dave to work on that.
The world is full of Surprises!
I got the most wonderful email from Glenny Densem-Moir and Marian K. McBryde. They informed me that they were coming to visit me. They had it all arrainged, where they were going to stay and they weren’t going to bother me, just hang out a little bit and give me a little bit of company after my first round of chemo, What a great time we had! We told stories, and made art and David, my husband, who, by the way, is simply an Angel that walks on earth, played the piano for us and Marian and Glenny sang. It was a very healing weekend for me, one much needed after my first round of Chemo. The added bonus as that Marian and Glenny got to meet not only my family, but also Cindy Knox, my very best friend in the whole world and another dear friend Helen Blain. You can read all about the visit with pictures on Glenny’s blog.
Then, not two weeks later, Christine Merritt came to visit from Beaverton, Oregon. And you guessed it, more art and laughter and eating and fun. Christine helped me get started on my trades from Portland. So, If you got a trade from me, you can be sure that Christine had a hand in it.
Meanwhile, Laurel (my 17 year old daughter) and Cindy planned a 45th birthday party for me. Now when I say planned, that doesn’t seem to cover the full extent of the event. Cindy and Laurel had the heads together for weeks, traveling all over the bay making sure that just the most perfect thing was purchased as a faorThis was a full blown catered affair, themed (Marilyn Monroe and Gentlemen prefer 45 year olds!). Peoploe were asked to dress in Marilyn-esque attire. There were approximately 120 people at the house and I was set up like a Queen underneath the redwood trees in the backyard. Cindy was the hostess and greeted everyone as they entered the home via the red carpet. She prompltly gave them instructions as to where to but gifts or cards, where the food could be found and they each had to write a note to me on special paper which I think Cindy has special plans for.
Upon our return from the most fabulous Art & Soul Retreat in Portland this year, we were off to see the Oncologists. We started with a contrast CT Scan in the morning followed by an hour appointment with my primary Oncolgist Dr. Joe Mason in the afternoon. The CT Scan revealed that the Chemo is not working. In fact, Pollux had gotten significantly larger. So, we stopped the current Chemo protocol. We do have a new plan, with new players, so let’s start with What To Do About Pollux? (Ed. Note: These were Lee’s reflections on some of the medical aspects of her illness, so please feel free to skip over these)
What To Do About Pollux?
We always knew that Pollux was the nastier of the twins, sitting on that Lymph Node and all and boy were we right! Pollux seems to have liked the chemo drugs that we were feeding him and he grew! Here is the problem with his growth (besides the fact that it’s just yucky). Pollux is located on a lymph node next to the Superior Vena Cava and is putting pressure on that large main vein. It is a very dangerous situation because that vein is responsible for returning all of the blood from the brain, and the upper part of the body to the right returning atrium of the heart. It also puts pressure on the esophagus, thus inhibiting breathing and eating. This restriction caused by the Pollux is what is making my face swell and the right side of my body swell as well as excess bleeding when I get poked by a needle on the right side. Now, you wouldn’t know it by looking at me, but according to the scale, I have lost approximately twenty-five pounds since the beginning of our adventure. However, with Pollux being so large and invading territories other than his own, the swelling in my face alone makes me look like I have gained thirty pounds. This increased pressure in my head is also giving me headaches and making it hard to see and write (my hands to work like they used to). So, since Pollux has actually increased in size (Castor got smaller), this Chemo is definitely not doing what we want it to do. So, we are going to attack from a different angle.
This morning we went to Kaiser’s Cancer Treatment Center in Santa Clara (approximately thirty minutes from our house) and saw the nicest Radiation Oncologist named Dr. Asif Harsolia. Very happy man. He was born and raised in Michigan and has only been in California for two years and is loving every minute of it. That’s what I want in a doctor, someone who is oh, so happy with his life. Dr. H took us through the CT Scan that was done on the 7th and showed us how Pollux is compressing the Superior Vena Cava, which, at this point, the SVC is about a quarter of the size it should be. Dr. H. believes that he can give me 80 to 90% improvement of that vein by zapping Pollux with radiation. I will feel worse before I feel better, but feel better I will. Additionally, Dr. H. showed us the tumor that is putting pressure on the L2 region of the spine. We haven’t named that tumor yet, but he is about the size of a small grapefruit and also living on a lymph node. This tumor is causing a lot of pain and is severely impacting my ability to paint. Good news is that with radiation treatment, again Dr. H. can predict an 80 to 90% improvement by reducing the size of the tumor. The only problem with this tumor is that it is currently also putting pressure on the right kidney and in the process of killing the tumor, it is entirely possible that we will have to sacrifice the kidney to kill the tumor. So, I thought about it for like two seconds and decided that giving up a kidney to be able to paint again was definitely worth it! So, Dr. H. said he would do what he could to spare the kidney, but I would rather paint, so damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead!
Then we were off for another CT Scan where they got me all lined up and tattooed for the radiation treatments that will start on Monday. There will be fourteen treatments, every weekday (not weekends). The treatments won’t take long, but they will make me tired. The further you get into radiation, the more likely that burn marks will appear on the skin, in my case, the chest and lower back. But that is individual to each person.
Each Day with Gratitude
Pain is a real issue for me and it’s no wonder with a tumor (which Laurel and I have named Marla. If you have ever seen the movie ‘Fight Club,’ you’ll understand that reference!) the size of a small grapefruit pressing on the L2 region of the spine. Even so, I am determined to meet each day with gratitude. Pain is just a reminder that I am still here and I can still feel. I am looking forward to starting the radiation treatments which will help with the pain so much in the back and the radiation on Pollux that will make it easier to breath and swallow and will hopefully give me more energy.
Each morning, when I count my blessings, I think of all of you. I imagine your faces smiling at me and that gives me great strength to start my day. These groups that I belong to, Art & Soul, The California Art Girls, Extreme Journalism, and the Crafting Closet, not to mention the prayer groups that have been working overtime for me all over the world are a testament to the wonderful ways in which the internet can be used. I am connected to a huge sisterhood that is spiritually bound to each other in one way or another and somehow, someway, everyday you remind me that I am not alone and that I am loved. When I get scared, or lonely or just need a hug, a read one of the emails that has come through and my heart feels lighter and I smile. Whether you know it or not, you are making this journey easier on my children because I can be softer with them and more available to them. Each one of you is a gift – one of the purest gifts that can ever been given, because you are pure white love reflecting back in the heart of a person in need. So, for me, gratitude starts each day with you.
Once the radiation is complete, we’ll re-evaluate things and return to Dr. Mason. who is talking about doing more Chemo with stronger drugs on a different protocol. We won’t know what that looks like until we get there.
Please remember that in all of this, we are not looking for a cure, just quality of life and life extension, if at all feasible. Funny words, those. Isn’t that what we are all looking for?
Do not be afraid my family, my friends. I am here to tell you that I am strong and that this strength derives from all of you. I am grateful and I welcome what God, the Universe, my Higher Power has chosen for me to learn the lessons that I must learn and the time to pass those lessons on. Each one of you is so special to me and to my family. You give us the hope and the courage to face the coming days ahead.
Friday, November 14, 2008
As some of you might already know, I have been experiencing some heath problems of late. I’m not sure were to start, so I’ll just begin with what I think is the beginning.
I saw the doctor about a month ago for what we thought was a torn muscle of the scapula. I had a cough that started at the same time, which I didn't think much of. I was given percocet to manage the pain, which also suppressed the cough. As I began to go off the percocet the cough returned, along with some blood. When Dave saw how much blood, he put me in the car and took me to the ER the evening of July 20th.
They did x-rays and a CT scan, where they found something in my right lung. This led to an appointment with a Pulmonologist and a lung biopsy. The biopsy results confirmed lung cancer. So we were off to the oncologist who ordered a brain MRI and a PET scan to determine the extent of the cancer and what stage the cancer is in.
I have stage 4 lung cancer. There is involvement in the left adrenal gland and one of the vertebrae in my lower back, the L2. This makes my cancer inoperable and incurable. The chemotherapy is starting on August 6th and is done as an outpatient treatment, one day every three weeks, for a total of four treatments, each lasting five to six hours. I will be receiving two different types of chemo, the first being Taxol and the second one is Carboplatin. My spelling may be off, so please forgive me if I am. If I respond positively to the chemo, there is the possibility that they will do radiation down the line. After which my life expectancy is six months to a year on the average, although my oncologist has seen patients live three to four years.
These are just statistics, and they only have meaning when applied to a large number of people. They mean nothing to me. The important thing here is that I have lessons to learn and lesson to share. I have the most wonderful opportunity to teach my children, in the most profound way possible that each day is a gift. If we can really reach out, each day, and gracefully accept the gift we have been given and with an open and grateful heart, help as many people as we can with the time that we have been given, then life has meaning. I want mine to be about true power and not force. I want that warm, all encompassing love that shines in the smile of a newborn child to be felt by every person I smile at. I want my children to truly understand that happiness in an inside job and not something that other people make you feel.
So, here is the deal my friends. I am not going to have the attitude of 'I'm going to fight this thing.' That implies that someone wins and someone loses. I am going to win, no matter how you look at it. I have the best team of doctors that my wonderful husband is putting together for me. I have God, Karma, the Universe and the Great Divine Feminine on my side. They are my army of warriors with all of the weapons. They will worry and fight for me. We, my team and I, are going to manage my pain so that I can live each and everyday to it's fullest and enjoy the best that each day has to offer. I am going to live through this adventure. And I invite each and every one of you to join me each day as we rise above this and make the most of each day.
I am not going to refer to the masses as cancer or tumors or any other scary name. Since the masses in my lung are the same size, I have named them Castor and Pollux - The Gemini Twins. This carries with it the added bonus that Castor and Pollux were the bad guys in the movie Face/Off and they both died at the end of the movie. My apologies to all of you Gemini out there.
There is no room for anger or sadness here. When my father was dying of cancer, I asked him if he was angry. He held my hands and said, "Sweetheart, God chose this for me. How could I ever be angry at anything God chose for me?' Well, Castor and Pollux were chosen for me and there are great gifts here. I am going to meet each day with dignity and grace and a grateful heart. I choose Life.
I would ask that you pray, meditate, dance under the stars, whatever it is that you choose to do to connect with God/Goddess/All that Is, and ask for whatever your heart leads you to. I will be praying for the strength to meet this with humor and grace. I own this, it is mine and I am grateful for the adventure that is about to begin.
I promise to give each of you the best of who I am each day although my best will vary. I will keep all of updated as we progress on our adventure. Some of this is going to get boring and repetitive for me and I don’t want to bore you, so if you haven’t heard from me, or you just wonder what is going on, please feel free to call or email. My address and phone numbers are listed below. I love all of you more than you could ever know. I know that I can do this because I am not alone and I am loved.
209 Sherry Court
San Jose, CA 95119